It took six years of practice, but I believe we’ve cracked the code. Through trial and error we got to a place where my husband and I rarely argue. Over the years, we have gained respect for each other and have learned how to settle arguments quickly and effectively.
Here are a few practices we follow to settle arguments:
- 1. Neither of us raises our voices.
- If you feel like you might, take a breather and come back to the discussion later.
- 2. Eliminate cursing at each other.
- We speak to each other with respect.
- 3. We wait to discuss things privately.
- Certain matters don’t need to be discussed in front of the general public, friends, or family.
- Our friends don’t know when we’re upset with each other.
- We don’t act out or belittle each other in front of friends, though we may ask trusted friends for advice.
- 4. Keep in mind that the goal is to solve the problem.
- Actully look for a solution, whether we compromise or admit one was right and the other was wrong, we are looking for a solution, not a band-aid.
- 5. We don’t let issues linger
- Address the elephant in the room- immediately.
- 6. We never keep score of wins or losses.
- 7. We apologize and laugh it off.
- If you’re wrong, admit it. Be an adult, not just someone of adult age.
Practicing Respectful Conflict Resolution
Disagreements are inevitable in any relationship. However, they don’t have to escalate into disrespectful disputes. Both partners must commit to respectful conversations and practice this approach consistently.
Once you both agree to improve your discussions for the sake of the relationship, you can establish rules for handling conflicts, like the ones I listed above. This mutual understanding can help you talk about anything without becoming defensive. If you’re both comfortable with constructive criticism and aware that you love each other, you’ll be able to handle any conversation.
What if You’re Already in the Middle of a Big Argument?
If a disagreement has already escalated, it’s essential to maintain peace for the sake of your mental health. Consider the argument from three perspectives: yours, your partner’s, and the overall situation.
Your Perspective on the Argument
Ask yourself if you’re arguing because you feel offended or don’t fully understand your partner’s viewpoint. Dig deeper: why are you truly upset? Before you escalate the conflict, try to step into the other person’s shoes.
If you’re visibly upset, ask yourself whether their opinion might hold some truth, or whether you’re uncomfortable handling criticism. Whatever the case, check yourself first. For the sake of the relationship, apologize and listen. Be open to change and aim to be better.
Consider Their Perspective
Remember, your partner may not know why you’re upset. Assuming they do is a major mistake. Clearly explain your position without expecting them to read your mind.
I’ve often made arguments worse by expecting my husband to know why I was upset or why my opinion was “right.” I assumed he knew what the actual issue was (and, to me, the issue was him). This assumption only made our arguments escalate unnecessarily.
Consider whether your spouse is in the right mindset to discuss the topic. Did you ask if now is a good time to address it? Sometimes, we get so wrapped up in our thoughts that we forget the other person may have had a full day of challenges on their mind.
The Argument’s Perspective
Clear your mind, set aside your emotions, and view the argument objectively. Disagreements happen over all sorts of issues, from picking kitchen cabinets to naming a baby. These topics should be discussed without unnecessary drama and in a healthy way.
Before bringing up any topic, consider the following:
Is it urgent? Does it need to be discussed right now?
Where is the best place to bring up this sensitive issue?
Am I calm enough to talk about this?
Is it worth discussing right now in our lives?
Is this something we’ve already addressed and forgiven? On this scale, is it worth arguing about? Is it worth bringing up? I used to rehash past fights because I hadn’t truly let go of them. I hadn’t forgiven either the problem or its solution.
Avoid Keeping Score in Your Relationship
Keeping score is a damaging habit. I used to believe that losing an argument was unacceptable and felt the need to get my point across. Over time, I learned that being right isn’t everything, and some things aren’t worth proving.
My habit of keeping score impacted my marriage, leading to a lack of self-responsibility. My husband called me out on this, and I’m grateful for it. Now, I don’t see discussions as opportunities to be “right” but as chances to better understand each other.
Don’t let this lesson take years to learn. Transitioning from slamming doors to having civil discussions is a significant breakthrough.
Final Tips for Settling Arguments in Your Relationship
Here are a few more tips:
- Don’t approach discussions with the goal of “winning”; look for common ground.
- If you’re feeling too emotional, don’t speak. Take a break and reflect on what’s truly bothering you.
- Don’t assume the other person knows what’s wrong.
- Listen more than you speak.
I hope these tips will help you handle conflicts better in your relationships. If you didn’t stay calm during your last argument, don’t be too hard on yourself. Forgive yourself and ask for forgiveness. It takes practice to settle arguments peacefully.
Finally, remember to be kind. Being nice to your spouse and others will make them more willing to solve problems with you rather than fight against you.