When I say that anxiety is killing me, I mean it literally. Three days ago, I woke up in the middle of the night clutching my chest, doing everything I could to stay calm despite the immense tightness I felt. My muscles were so tense I couldn’t move in bed, and all I could think about was how overwhelmed I was. The pain was so intense that, three days later, my chest muscles are only slowly relaxing—and I’m still in pain.
I Created a Stressful and Anxiety-Inducing Environment
Two weeks ago, I quit my job. The salary was great, I loved the work, and leading the team I’d built felt like an honor. It was a dream job—except for one thing: it was in Flushing, Brooklyn, while I had just moved to Pennsylvania. I took the job anyway, ignoring my limits. At 30, I’m finally learning that my body and mind have boundaries.
I genuinely believed I could manage living and working in two different states. I thought the effort would pay off in a few months to a year. While others called me crazy, I thought they were the ones who didn’t get it. But I overlooked a critical factor: my anxiety. That was my biggest mistake.
Now I Know Anxiety is Slowly Killing Me
I lived in New York City through most of my 20s, but I moved back to my hometown during the COVID pandemic, like many others. One of my last memories in NYC was a moment of overwhelming stress and anxiety from my job and the pressure of moving. My body felt numb—or so I thought. My anxiety convinced me I was on the verge of a stroke. The stress was so intense that I stood at my train station, staring at the above-ground tracks, contemplating ending my life just to escape the pain.
Moving back home brought instant relief and freedom. I thought I could handle a new job in NYC while living in Pennsylvania. But this recent anxiety attack was my breaking point. I refuse to put myself in anxiety-inducing situations anymore. I didn’t realize I was the one creating these situations—until now.
I Want to Defeat My Anxiety
To defeat anxiety, you must understand yourself and your triggers. Mine are:
- Lack of safety
- Emotionally unstable people
- Food
Knowing these triggers gives me confidence. But here’s the thing: none of them directly caused the anxiety episodes I’ve described. I recently realized that ongoing stress is a major trigger I hadn’t acknowledged before. I used to think my anxiety attacks stemmed only from the triggers above, but ongoing stress amplifies them, pushing me over the edge in daily life.
If I can manage my daily stress and minimize it, other triggers—like food or certain people—may not hit as hard. That’s why I quit my job and fully committed to staying in Pennsylvania. It may hurt financially for now, but for my health, it’s necessary. Stress will always exist, but I’m exhausted from living this way. This year, I’m determined to overcome my anxiety.
During this time I made sure I let my roommate know what was going on in my mind and had him take me twice to the hospital when my thoughts were not positive. I didn’t know about the 9-8-8 or
https://988lifeline.org/ Suicide Hotlinem but if you’re thoughts are worse than mine were, don’t hesitate to call.