The Weight of Faking It
What will they think of me when they realize I am faking all of it? Every day I suffered with that thought, thinking there was always something wrong with me. These thoughts stemmed from growing up in a strict household, where I did my very best to stay under the radar of my parents. I strived for good grades, a clean room, the typical type-A things, so that no one could bother me.
When It All Broke Loose
The coping mechanisms I developed worked, until all hell broke loose during the COVID lockdowns in NYC and my divorce. In the moment I thought I was fine, but my biggest hurdle was becoming financially independent. Deciding if NYC was still the place for me, and all of the issues I had dealt with as a child, began to leak out.
As a child, I had many panic and anxiety attacks that wouldn’t go away. I suffered with nightmares, and to this day most of my dreams are nightmares, or dreams of turmoil. There was no doctor who could snap me out of the constant idea of death and suffering, all while I was daydreaming, not paying attention in class, and doodling just so I could listen to the teacher. I did everything in my power not to fidget, and the older I got, the better and better I got at controlling those urges.
There was the urge to suddenly quit my job, to say exactly what was on my mind, like “you’re boring and I’m not interested in what you have to say.” I had many trackers and systems set up at work so I could ensure I completed projects to the T and met all deadlines. Many would say the coping I did, those behaviors, led me to a wonderful career as I got older. Yet when there was too much to control, my true self began to leak out. I wasn’t interested in climbing the corporate ladder anymore. I wanted to leave NYC and become a gypsy (without the sex) and travel with the money I had saved. But the “controlled” self in me would tell me not to.
Who was this other side of me? This other side of me that wasn’t all put together?
Once the divorce began to get finalized, I had moments where I couldn’t feel my body. I also thought I was having heart attacks. I could never tell if the pain I had was real or fake. It was a constant torment. Abruptly, I decided to quit everything and move back home to PA. This is when and where I began to breathe and get therapy, especially since I could afford it after joining the military. As time went on, I was able to overcome my anxiety over food, going from eating only potatoes and plain meats to almost anything except what I’m actually allergic to.
The Life I Was Masking Behind
Yet there was still the everyday issue where my friends and family thought of me as someone smart and well put together, but deep down I knew I wasn’t. My apartment had piles of unfinished projects and items I would not throw away. In my mind I would count my steps, or how often I’d perform a repetitive motion. I became superstitious and would hide in my apartment because an itch or new feeling on my body would appear, and I’d hyperfixate on a bump and immediately turn into a ball on the floor, thinking I was headed for anaphylactic shock again. I’d call my mom, a friend, or anyone to talk me off the ledge. I was incapable of going 24 hours without calling someone, because I thought I was dying.
The more I spoke to a therapist, the less and less these bouts happened. The anxiety and panic felt better, but those were just a symptom of something larger. My boyfriend really pushed me to continue getting to know myself, and as time went on I sought a second opinion, only to learn that ADHD was likely the culprit. I had been undiagnosed my whole life and had been struggling just to be “normal,” to survive. I couldn’t believe it. ADHD? I wanted to be perfectly fine. When I told my boyfriend, he said he knew something was different about me, and had even brought up autism. But when I told him ADHD might be the actual issue, he said it made sense to him.
After a few tests and interviews, I was finally diagnosed with ADHD at 34.
The Relief of Finally Knowing
The diagnosis gave me a sigh of relief. It was an explanation I had waited so long for. Deep down, I knew it — I knew something was different about me, but I didn’t know why. I felt like an alien my whole life. Now, that alien can find others like her and learn how to manage ADHD.
Living With the Unknown
It was painful. Every day I thought I was going to die, or that someone hated me, or that someone had noticed I wasn’t listening, or even that I fidgeted, or that my notes weren’t organized. Any comment on my behavior — even something as simple as “wow, you come off so organized” — would catch me off guard. I was just so tired of pretending. The moment I let that mask slip, even for a second, my true self was exposed.
I went a little crazy every day trying to hide who I really was.
Today, I Am Free
But today, I am free. I know what I am.
I share this because a lot of you out there may feel off, like something is wrong with you. But in reality, it’s just that you’re unaware your brain is wired differently. Talking to someone about it can be freeing.
There was a time I wanted to give up, hide myself, and never date again — to just be alone. But my boyfriend encouraged me to seek help and understand myself more. I wish I hadn’t been so against going to therapy in my twenties. I would’ve saved so much time battling myself in my own brain.
Understanding the Core of It All
My therapist reviewed my symptoms with me and said I had some OCD tendencies, but likely only because my brain was bored. My brain couldn’t make dopamine the way most brains do, and because of this, I found ways to keep myself focused on a task, without ever knowing why I was doing it.
Every time I wanted to doodle instead of listen to my instructor, every time I got a large set of instructions and felt the wall of text was so overwhelming that I procrastinated and avoided the work as long as I could. That one moment where I decided to show my notes before I edited them to look “normal,” and was told I seemed so organized, when I knew I truly wasn’t. Those moments killed me every day.
Now I know why they exist and what I’m dealing with, and I can own it. When my boyfriend explains things to me and I zone out, I’m not mad at myself anymore. I tell him to break up his points and check in with me more, so I can stay on the same page.
Today, I can say that I’m aware, and all of the things I do have a core to them. It stems from ADHD — even the obsessive thoughts about life and death, and the counting, all come from one thing. My brain is bored which gives my OCD-like thoughts.
Having ADHD changes nothing. I’m still doing the same things I was; I chose not to take medication for it. But I’m just now more aware of what my mind is thinking and why. I stopped beating myself up over it. When I’m in a meeting at work and realize the topic or presenter is boring to me and I start fidgeting, I begin to take notes so I can stay on track. It doesn’t mean I’m pretending to be something I’m not — I’m trying to stay focused, unlike everyone else who isn’t fidgeting and can just be in the moment.
I am free now. Since my diagnosis, I’m able to pick apart my own thoughts and tell myself: oh, this topic is boring — don’t be mad at yourself. It’s just hard to pay attention to something you’re not interested in.
Not an Alien After All
My brain wasn’t built for the world as it is, and as a young girl I considered myself an alien, one who didn’t belong on this planet. Yet I stand corrected. This diagnosis has liberated me, and I can now accept myself and enjoy who I am. I enjoy solving problems, and creating, writing, and learning.
For anyone who feels like they stand out, like they’re out of place, like an alien — could it be that your brain is wired differently? At some point, those negative thoughts toward yourself will cause you to hit a wall, and you’ll have to face them to be free and able to function in the world. If you don’t have someone like I did — my boyfriend — to push you to work on yourself and explore your mind, then I’m here to tell you: don’t give up. Talk to someone.
I was so desperate to get these thoughts out of my head and stop suffering from panic and anxiety attacks that I joined the military to get discounted health insurance to pay for therapy.
You deserve a life where you’re confident in yourself and who you are, and can address the issues you have at hand so you can become a better version of you. I’m here to push you to seek help and find your freedom.
At one point I believed that understanding my personality type was sufficient to heal myself. Learning about being an INTJ female helped me understand my personality but it wasn’t enough information to stop the panic attacks. I challenge readers who find themselves searching INTJ related advice on tru.works to consider that you’re very complex and your journey of understanding yourself better may involve ADHD.